Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Working the System

He was a lucky guy, some would say. It was because he owned successful stocks, and as simple as that, but what really pissed people off about the guy was the way his portfolio looked like. The stocks this man owned were merely a reflection of his taste in life. So how ironically sick that he enjoyed all the most delicious foods and drinks society had to offer, while having done a little research into where the stuff came from and staking a share. It's just that he knew what would sell. He wasn't a businessman or anything like that, but his taste in material objects and services was impeccable. Some would say his taste for life made his life all the more better. But what happened when he lost his taste for high class drudgery?
Don't be silly, he didn't lose his sense of what was hot, what was in, until he grew old and careless anyhow. It was as if he had pie charts in his head showing percentages of people and what they liked. Sure he dressed, ate, behaved, and lived a certain way, but he still could tell what the biggest amount of people liked and whether or not they'd buy the shit out of it.

He was but a young man when he realized his gift. Actually, it wasn't a gift to him, for he felt it'd been there all along, he just wasn't forced to ever quite seize it. It was really quite an easy feeling of intuition and frankly common sense, the guy heard providing advice and its 2 cents worth every now and then. Now and then being the all too often television image or advert or Internet pop-up - the latter of which mostly gets ignored or glance-passed (or would it be pass-glanced?). The beginning didn't come easy, however. This fuckin guy had to do some manual labor working waste management for the city for three years before he could invest a healthy chunk of change in anything worth while. So he saved up thousand some dollars over a few years from really scratching away. He lived alone in a shitty apartment, I mean his life sucked. But the time finally came when this young man would become a regualar-perhaps-even-one-day-upper-middle-class man. He'd been researching companies that had somewhere down the line produced something he enjoyed or at least a piece of it. The first two of three, he had decided upon, challenging himself to invest in the latest, newest, and hottest technology for the third. The first company this fuckin pirate bought into was a Canadian herbal oil scent diffuser some kinda shit. Long story short, people buy the things to vaporize their dope with! And it's fuckin great, our guy here received many a complimentary accessories to accompany his well-resined Sci-fi toy from deep space. Not yet approved by health agencies, today's free world doesn't give a fuck, and the aluminum cones that provide a high with zero carcinogens to boot has been selling like hot cakes (which don't actually sell that well, especially since that IHOP on Brooklyn Ave got demolished), successfully, I mean. Only one on the market with a remote control.

The second order of business had our man scratching his head: "I've addressed one of my habits - something that's turned out pretty popular as a lifestyle choice. What else is something fun for all ages, shapes, sizes and colors?!!" But alas, it was in his back pocket the whole time, people! Our gentlemen, being the dramatic little twat around only wanted an excuse to scream: "EuREEEEKAAA!!" belligerently animal like, punching a hole into his shoddy sheetrock wall even though no one was around to see. Foaming slightly at the mouth, the sonuvabitch replaced himself in front of the computer to make a few clicks, fill a few forms, and finally sit back to take a long pull of somewhat cheap whiskey, celebrating the purchase of thirteen stocks of Ajinomoto, the original producer of monosodium glutamate. Our newly retired garbage man chuckled to himself, pleased by his thoughtfulness. The hard part was next.

He couldn't read the label of the bottle he'd just finished when he finally called it a night, no less without a third selection to diversify his new assets.

The next morning our guy over here, wakes up tangled in his blankets as he usually does, rubbing the dissatisfied sleep from his eyes, and feeling the rabbit foot that replaced his tongue. He shuffled to the bathroom to pour down three ibuprofens and melt the scales off the inside his mouth. Ambling back over to his bedside, the neanderthal took a small pinch of finely ground ganja bonanza out of his grinder and into the glass bowl that would funnel air over 400 degrees to produce clean THC steam. As his unit warmed up, our playboy ambled the four steps to the cupboard to grab a bag of ramen and pot, bowling some water in preparation for a two-pronged assault on his hangover. Meanwhile, he turned the fan of his machine on, reducing the temperature slightly, watching the balloon grow slowly with white vapor, like a witch's snack or something. The painkillers were beginning to ebb the suicidal urges throbbing across his head, as he put the noodles in the boiling water and emptied the precious flavor powder in too, shaking it and rubbing every crystal of flavor right out. While the soup cooked, he got high. After he got high, he ate his soup, and made a screwdriver, taking an Imodium along with it. "I should have bought some o' that Huy Fong  shit," The stoned moron wondered aloud, referring to the company that made his hot sauce. He believed the sauce cut the msg flavor of the soup just perfectly, though the screwdriver always could be a wild card...

Sitting back down in front of his computer, this wily chum punched in his password to be greeted with two Internet windows open one on top of the other. The onlooker gasped for a moment, then broke out in a shit-eatting grin. The smaller on was a blinking ad for a Fleshlight. Apparently it was America's number one male sex toy. He clicked on the window behind. It was a news article with video of a Japanese man who had invented life-like dolls that could actually take dick, and in some cases talk, albeit like a fucking robot. "Well that's just sick," he said to himself. But some of the dolls were very life-like, frighteningly so in fact. There was a temptation that said buy it, man, you know it'll sell. Each one was about eight thousand USD a pop, and he could tell it would sell, even if it were to a niche market. But how well? If a man can spend that much on a doll, why not rent a real woman? Instead of pondering what a silicon or whatever synthetic material those dolls assholes were made of, or more importantly felt like, our man went back to the Fleshlight. Not too different form that other product, he thought. It's lighter, semi-portable, and only about sixty bucks! But wait, he thought, my previous investments were towards things I normally use... a vagina flashlight might change my life in ways I'm unprepared for. "Shake it off man," said another voice, "What are you, a pussy? You gotta at least try it."
"No son, it'll ruin you forever, you'll never get married, you'll go on forever without a woman's touch, do you really want that?! Get your head out of your ass, and buck the fuck up, find some fuckin pussy!"

That night Charles, as it turns out, went out with some friends. They insisted that our eligible bachelor and budding stock shark come out drinking and join the never-ending hunt for female mates. "Come on Charles, you just quit your shitty job, you're movin' outta that dump, and up up up, buddy! Let's go fuckin celebrate!" his friend Randy yelled into the phone, "we're not taking 'no' for an answer asshole. Concede or be kidnapped!!"
"Alright, you motherfuckas, I'll come out, be over there in an hour. With a bottle, no less."

Randy had a pretty splendid fuckin setup in his neck of the woods. Charles had to take the bus to get there, but he didn't really care, he was going to be rich one day. Hopefully the rest after that one, too. The boys were sitting at the patio playing dominos. Henry was there, and Thomas, and Walter. They were all drinking whiskey with ice, so Charles poured one of his own, sitting down with the crowd. Randy came over with a great, big, shit-eating grin, teeth gritted around a fat cigar, "Tonight boys, we're celebratin' our buddy here's freedom, intuitions, and hopefully luck! Ha! May we all be lucky, and outlive the many drinks and smokes that have frequented our magnificent lives!" They clinked glasses, and Randy passed everyone a cigar. After every drop of whiskey in the building was drunk, the boys set out, set out to celebrate all that hogwash back there...

Beasts of Burden

The same gene strain that enables werewolves to occur crossed to other species. It was a disease, thoroughbred humans were having the time of their lives just trying to contain the freaks that contracted such a thing. Sometimes the hybrid transformation process kills the person due to instances such as human/insect  metamorphosis - something other than mammal. So what you had here were highly aggressive humanoids living amongst thoroughbreds just like normal, except for one thing. Every time a full moon was about to rise, all those who were known to carry the horrid gene (infection, virus? wc) would be ushered outside the city's walls for the night whilst they transformed into utter beasts looking frantically for nothing other than blood. Human blood. And in fact, each other's blood. It is the ladder condition that convinced everyone, everyone, that these individuals were indeed cursed beings. You had these things, these mountain lions battling grizzly bears, fucking packs of dogs raping and pillaging those unfortunate enough to be fucking wildebeests. It was utter fucking chaos. And the most fucked up part of this whole ordeal? The humans televised it. Yep, and it's like, I mean, you got people, humans in every way shape and form coming back, returning form the woods or wherever. Tattered as fuck, definitely got in a fight to the death and won. They were so absolutely cursed that most humans couldn't help feeling a deep sympathy for the beasts over shadowed only by the raw emotion of fear. Terror. It was no secret that the werebeasts were of a different class than humans. It wasn't so much a lower class, but more of a Israeli/Palestinian sort of tension. I mean, but a little better because they cooperate kinda good. It's like this: the werebeasts understand their plight, they may not understand exactly why they're fucked up, but somehow I think they cherished the idea of humanity. It's funny to think about really, but it was obvious how they envied their human counterparts. It was as if they missed it. Was it a human "soul"? Is that what they missed? I don't think so. I think they were just tired of having to fight against normal okay people when there's no full moon. I mean, can a guy identify friends that are morphed and outside the gates right there in front of you? That's why I think they really put the cameras out there. I know only some werebeasts have signed their rights away to sell a reality TV series. Very expensive pay per view, lemme tell ya what. And these guys aren't always big dudes, it's just when they morph, they're a pretty deadly fuckin force. And back inside the walls these guys are no less than celebrities. 


No no no. ONLY volunteers go out beyond the walls. Everyone else who doesn't want to risk death volunteer to be locked in cages monitored by the police. 

Zombie Fuckers (Working Title)

Lifeless in Seattle




Notes: Perhaps intro is first wave, big surge of zombies; emphasis on final five surviving, but also preparing for such an attack, quick shot sequences, Costco, guns, ammo, supplies, etc. Then the body of the movie is these people surviving, camping, but in the urban environment that is the U district of Seattle. Important: take into account MASS of zombies, and incorporate a scene with the space needle in it. 


The swine flu pandemic began in 2009. It is now early 2011 and the progression of the virus has become startling dangerous causing many individuals to become violent and even "zombie-like" as some analysts have jested. It seems the World Health Organization failed to foresee the possible mutations the virus was capable of. The worst cases of "zombies" have occurred in China and various eastern European countries where quarantine is failing at an alarming rate and whole villages have been eradicated by military actions razing and capturing if not killing zombified flu victims. The symptoms of the "Zombie Flu" as many have come to dub it, vary from individual to individual, but the most extreme cases are indeed of a most horrifying nature. Leading scientists in Germany and the United States have locked down a number of subjects in order to study their behaviors, their transformations. Most subjects with the severest conditions must be tied down, as they become highly aggressive, gnashing their teeth and flexing their fingers like claws. Perhaps the most startling, however, is the footage taken by various reporters and media groups based in Estonia and Lithuania, where video has captured scenes of cannibalism and mutilation in the most gruesome of ways. The worst videos were taken by independent sources and posted on the Internet. Some such videos reveal that a select few zombies were actually capable of basic motor skills and thought. These seemed to be professional athletes, and strangely enough, scientists. One video, taken through a Georgia man's living room window, shows students running for their lives out of Georgia Tech's campus followed shortly by a number of very nimble and well-coordinated lab coat-wearing zombies. One of them didn't seem hardly afflicted at all, however, and the ones that had lost their "human" sense closed in on him slowly, deliberately. One could see when the camera zoomed in, that those closing in on the poor soul were smirking and even laughing in a high-pitched hyena manner. The first one to reach the quivering man, who seemed as if he initially tried acting as one of the other infected, carefully removed the terrified man's goggles, and then glasses, at which point the rest fell upon him, clawing and scooping his eyeballs out to eat first spraying blood everywhere. The video stopped, perhaps so the cameraman could upload the horrifying scene. The military firebombed Atlanta the next day.


Indeed, flesh-eating zombies seemed to something of horror sci-fi flicks. Until now. Japan has taken action to close its borders entirely and suffer through the pandemic, eradicating any case that occurred with brutal force. Many nations have slaughtered and burned pigs to prevent outbreak, but now that the virus could be spread human to human, the threat was much greater. In some, the virus could lay dormant for a matter of months, until one day a child might wake up as a monster feeding on her parents' eyes and cheekbones for breakfast. In America, the west coast was not hit as bad as the more highly populated east, although it looked as if LA might fall as soon as 2012. Great Britain was making efforts to do the same as Japan, though violence seemed to be on the verge of uncontrollable in parts of Ireland and Scotland. Africa's death rate was skyrocketing, and the only bastions of hope seemed to lie in parts of South Africa and Kenya, though foreigners were doing everything in their power to evacuate. Or arm themselves. Latin America looked just as bad as China, and as there were few safe places to run, they were forced to fend for themselves, buying up guns, machetes. Those who could afford it were rigging the outsides of their walls with booby traps and flame spouting devices. People either flocked to military bases or islands within reach. Some believed colder extremes to be safer and less appealing to zombified people, yet there were reported cases as far south as Patagonia. It seemed almost as if mankind' tenure on earth may be coming to an end. Some scientists conjectured that Earth, a living thing itself, was rejecting the plague of humans that were poisoning her by extracting the black blood from deep within her skin and burning it to smoke her fragile lungs. This was not the wrath of God, it was the retaliation of a planet.


* * *


September 2011 - Seattle, WA USA 


We all sit around the TV watching the latest news on the spreading zombie pandemic that continues to engulf the world. The virus is spreading much quicker than experts could have guessed and much of Asia and Eastern Europe lay in ruins and the only coverage of the area could be had from ariel shots. Fireballs fell from the sky at an almost daily basis as satellite operators no longer manned their posts. We used to joke about wishing one day something like this would happen so we could "mount up and kill some motherfucking zombies!" but in reality the whole thing was quite horrifying. 


Much of the south from Florida to Arizona was Zombie Nation. All of the United States armed forces has returned from abroad to aid in the zombie pandemic at home. LA was taken back in a surge made possible by the US Military's efforts to wall most of the zombies out from Phoenix to Denver to Richmond, Virginia. It almost seemed as if the zombies knew Washington DC and LA to be hotspots primed for attack. The problem was that they didn't just rush in waiting to be gunned down or blown to shit by the minefields. Airstrikes were the most effective, but there were indications that the zombies were wise enough to hole up in buildings or forests. It didn't help that new cases were still popping up behind the wall in places that were "zombie safe" and the administration was struggling just to accommodate the rush of volunteers. 


We had all bought guns back in July when it seemed inevitable LA would fall. My buddies and I mostly strapped Ak-47s bought at the local gun shop. I also carried a Desert Eagle with four extended clips on my back. I would have felt safer if we had some explosives, but I guess you can't have it all. There have only been a few outbreaks where people became badly zombified in our area, but starting last month we decided to take shifts at guard duty with one watching the front and one at back. We had stocked up on food months ago before even buying our guns, but we reckoned we were probably already half way through our rations. Only select local businesses were in operation as they had to hire guards for both human and zombie attackers, and the price for food was now only payable by silver, gold, or gems. Every now and then whoever was on duty would holler out to us from the roof that he had a "tango in sight" and that he was "about to light him up." We'd always get half excited and half jealous because that was the best part about guard duty. Sometimes the zombie would be a homeless person, malnourished, and weak. As such, they'd be much slower, and an easy shot, but every now and then there would be a runner. These were a mixed bag. We were encamped near the University of Washington campus and so were a bunch of other students. There were five of us in the house, but we were all clean because we made sure to quarantine ourselves early enough. Anyway, these runners were often students who were healthier (besides having Zombie Flu), and therefore quicker, and more aggressive. We always let the guard on duty (dubbed GOD) have the first few shots, but if he missed it was a free for all, and there stood four of us (couldn't let the GOD in back leave his post) sometimes just squeezing the lead out until our target was a mangled mess of spilled guts and chopped bones. "We really ought to think about conserving our ammo," I'd say every now and then. But sometimes these shootouts weren't all fun. Sometimes the zombie runners would be people we knew, and worse yet, zombified girls we knew from some nearby house. In these cases no one wanted to shoot. It was the GOD(s) duty to take them out. We hated watching this. 


November 


Things are getting worse as well as cold. Morale is slipping. By now our neighbors have enlisted us to guard their homes from the rooftops. We had gotten pretty good, and even had a few pairs of binoculars and radios so the guys on the highest rooftops could spot targets. I kept asking Andrew, our friend in the Army to get us some night vision goggles, but he was always too busy at the fort. We're still lucky that the city officials had made efforts to maintain power throughout Seattle. In fact just about all our utilities are in tact except of course for trash collection. Things are getting bad, though, I mean in our heads. I can tell hope is fading. This month alone we have seen more and more zombies, swarms of them in the streets. We've had to build a wall at the front of our porch from the floor to the roof. They can't climb, but they're not stupid.


By now we've seen enough of these bastards to know that they're not brain-dead. In fact, the only thing seemingly to work is their brain, for popping holes in everything form their liver to their hearts had no effect whatsoever. Take out the brain's functionality and they were neutralized. We sometimes said dead, despite the term being redundant. Some of them were actually awoken from being dead and crawled out of the ground, all partially decomposed and what not, but the worst was when they were someone who had died and woken up before being buried. They looked almost the same as regular people, just a little pale and sick looking. A lot of people were beginning to look like this from stress and bad diet, so it was hard to differentiate some white people from zombies. Andrew smuggled us a pair of infrared goggles so we could tell the cold dead ones from refugees. 


Christmas


Some blocks to the south, the Greek community, were being overrun quite badly. Many shelters were abandoned, and we had taken in a girl our age who had nearly been eaten alive by a threesome of pretty big boys. Must have been athletes. She was a cute girl, one of those who could lose some weight, but had a pretty face nonetheless. Her name was Ashley. Jared fucked her the first night she stayed. We were all pussy hungry, and only had porno to keep us calm. That and booze and cigarettes. I was sitting on the roof with my ak across my lap as I listened to the methodic rhythm of humping. I smiled to myself, atta boy, Jare. She couldn't have been more dick hungry than were pussy hungry, but maybe. Who cared? Merry Christmas


I enjoy guard duty. Not for the reasons we used to a few months back. The fun wore off somewhat. I smile to myself ruefully, I enjoy playing GOD, I thought. I enjoy killing the dead, and when I'm not, I enjoy the peaceful quiet, especially when the sky is clear, which isn't often in Seattle. That Christmas night I sat there, watching the stars, keeping only my ear to the street, thinking to myself, What if Santa Claus landed right here, next to me. He'd give me a fancy scope for my rifle. One that had a night vision switch, that would be nice. I was envisioning myself lining up the sights to put a bullet into a zombies face when I heard a scream. Two in one day? No chance! But there she was, sprinting her dear life, form the other end of the street. "Charles! Infrared! Three O'clock!," I yelled. Charles hopped up from behind me, He'd been on guard watching the house's six, "One hot chick, two colds chasing her," He said calmly, cigarette down to the filter, still hanging off his lower lip. "I got the blonde one, you take the Asian," I said referring to the two zombie girls chasing their friend. Blam! Blam! Two shots, two kills. The girl running didn't stop until she heard us yelling at her. She had streaks of salt on her face from crying. She collapsed after looking behind her to see the two limp bodies no longer in chase. She no longer cried, but looked towards the sky for answer, almost deranged looking as I leapt from the roof and started towards her. "They were your friends," I said, not really expecting an answer because it wasn't really a question. She looked at me, emotionless, quiet. I yelled to Charles, "Get John to cover my shift. Good work."


Charles was a good man, a good friend, quiet, but professional, disciplined. Not that I gave orders, he probably already called John on the walkie, I just had to make sure for my own peace of mind. I slung my rifle around back and crouched down next to the brown-haired girl. She was pretty. I stood her up and hugged her, holding her warm body in my arms. Her shaking stopped eventually, and I separated, "what's your name?" I asked gently. 
"Miranda."
"I'm Zeus."
"Thank you, Zeus," then she looked again at her dead friends, "I don't have anywhere to go now," she said.
We weren't in the position to take many refugees, mouths to feed. Tears flowed anew, leaping from her sad eyes. I hated watching girls cry. At least with a man I could have smacked upside the head, "Pull your shit together man!" I'd say.
"Come on. You can stay with us"
Miranda followed silently. Nero met us at the table, poured us each a glass of vodka. "Drink," I told her, "It'll make you feel better." She looked emptily at her glass. After a moment and an exchange of looks between Nero and myself, I grabbed her glass and put it to her mouth, "Drink," I said a little more sternly. She took a small sip, enough. I set the glass down, taking her chin in my hand, studying her face, looking for any scratches. 


I'd found out the hard way that scratches from the fucking zombies were okay. I assumed bites or vomit from the things would be more fatal. The latest reports said that the virus was transmitted much the same way as the flu, so don't get spit or blood in the face. Simple enough.


I wet a bandana in some vodka and wiped the dried tears off her face as she looked at me. She looked into my eyes, studying me, wondering if she could trust me. "Smoke?" I asked, offering her a cigarette. She looked at the cancer sticks in my hand, "Those things'll kill you, you know." I chuckled as Nero and I lit up.


"You should get some sleep. Upstairs, Nero would you show her a bed?" I asked, leaving it up to him to put her in any vacant bed, then thought twice, "put in her mine, would you? I'll relieve Charles topside," and then to Miranda, "we'll talk tomorrow." I could tell she was exhausted. She looked pale, as she hadn't slept in days, probably hadn't. I made a pot of coffee, brought a cup to John, and told Charles to hit the hay.


The winter nights in Seattle were awfully long. John and I were lucky to have headset walkies. We tried chatting to each other to stay awake, and it usually worked. But it must have been around seven in that morning when I was sitting against the chimney there, cozy in my down jacket, hat pulled down over  my ears. 


I was in my bed, sleeping, when Miranda , looking like sex, smelling like sex, crept in. She woke me up with a bit of handiwork jerking my cock awake too. I smiled dimly at her, as if I'd expected a visit. She kissed me on the lips as she climbed on top of me, sliding my rigid cock into her. She bounced up and down for a bit, and when she leaned back down for a kiss I put my arms around her and barrel rolled to flip on top of her. Slamming her on my bed made her pant and moan like an animal in ecstasy. I flipped her over keeping my dick in there to hit it doggy. She was saying my name, "Oh Zeus! Right there, right fucking there, don't stop." We were both panting, sweating, despite the cold night air. She reached back to fondle my balls, and I grabbed a fistful of her hair to really fuck her, rubbing her clit with my other hand, making it hot and wet. Just as I was about to explode she tightened her grip on my balls. I slowed down, she gripped harder, I was in pain. What the fuck? "Harder!" She said, but I was in too much pain. I pulled her hair, "What the fuck's wrong with you?" I said, shaking her head, trying to loose her grip with my other hand. I couldn't. Her head turned to face mine. Her teeth were broken, blood oozing from all over, her eyes were dead. She turned and lifted one leg past my head, and then gnashed her teeth maniacally. She screamed and ripped my balls right of pulling all sorts of tubes and fluids out as I screamed for dear god. I stood there horrified as she began eating my ripped testicles.


"Zeus. Come in Zeus. Mother fuck." I loud gunshot awoke me from my nightmare. John was standing over me with his gun still smoking, dawn approached. John stood there glaring at me, he didn't need to say anything, I knew I fucked up. I never fucked up like that before. What in the world was that? I wondered. I knew John wouldn't say anything to the other guys. It would just cause unneeded drama and bickering. Of course, it helped that I had also saved his life the week before.


We had been returning from an exploration/scavanging trip a few blocks from our house. We had to check the Greek area for survivors or zombies. There were none of the former, and fifteen of the latter. We had killed fourteen when one came leaping out of a second story window, through the glass and on to John's back. He kind of struggled with it, almost threw the thing off, but it held on to his pant leg. It was about to sink it's dirty teeth into his calf when i kicked its head away with my heavy steel toe. It rolled towards a curb and made to get back up, eyes lifeless, but brows pointed down as if angry. I kicked it back down in the ribs. I knew I wasn't hurting the thing.
"Little pissed off there, you fucking twat?" I yelled, "Who gave you the idea it was okay to jump my friend? Now you've really fucked up."
And at that I grabbed the fiend by his hair and crashed his mouth onto the edge of the curb breaking teeth in the process, "How's that taste, cunt?" I stepped onto his back as he struggled, moaning and spitting. John watched as I used my other foot to stomp the zombie's upper half of head down, shattering the life out of it.
I turned to John, "you okay, bro?" 
"Fucking thing scratched my neck, think I'll be okay?"
Up till then I didn't know if scratches would turn a person. None of us knew, so I replied, half jokingly, "Might be okay. I'd hate to have to put you down." John didn't think it was funny, but didn't say anything. He knew that once he even got flu symptoms he'd shoot himself in the head, probably to all our protests. Who knew? Luckily he was fine, albeit pissed off that 12 GOD had fallen asleep.
"Come on, let's go inside, get Nero and Jared up here." 


Back inside Miranda was still asleep so I plopped down on the couch in front of the TV. Broadcasts were only every week or so forcing us to keep it on around the clock. We tried to have the one guy not sleeping or on guard duty watch for news. I didn't know where Alex was, maybe in the kitchen. I stared at the blue screen waiting for people to appear. My eyelids drooped heavily. I could smell corned hash cooking. My mouth watered, but sleep overtook my appetite. 


On the television some talk show host was interviewing a comedian. Or at least I thought he was a comedian. Maybe he was a rock star. He had a British accent. Or was it Australian? They were talking about zombies and all kinds of other stuff. The host asked his guest how he liked the zombies, did he enjoy killing them from his rooftops? Yeah yeah, that's all swell and everything, "I just wish there were like some vampires, you know? To like, go along with the zombies. Vamp's are are totally sexy. I'd like to [Bleep] a vampiress for sure!" The host chuckled, the guest continued, "If you [Bleep] a zombie though, that's just to'ally sick, you know? People'd call you a necrophilia - And the program was interrupted by a breaking news story, Brian Williams was reporting from god knows where: "President Obama has made the decision to arm the nations nuclear missiles and detonate them in America's largest cities. The outbreak has consumed too many, if you're still in any of the following cities, evacuate effective immediately." And a rolling list of cities went up. It was in alphabetical order. San Antonio was just appearing when I woke up.


Miranda was nudging me. She had a steaming cup of black coffee in front of me. Maybe I could get used to this, I thought. "Good morning, what time is it?" I asked her. "It's only ten. John and your other friend are sleeping upstairs." There weren't many doors left on their usual hinges because we used them to board up some windows. 
"So," I said to Miranda, "Tell me -" A short burst of fire from the roof - pop! pop! Over the radio Charles, "Two tangos down." And then Nero solemnly, "Mother and daughter. Cold on the IR."
"Copy," I replied, setting the walkie down. 
"Where were we? Were we anywhere?" I asked Miranda. Before she could reply Ashley came down, rubbing sleep from her eyes, looking rather happy in one of Jared's flannels. She also had on some of his sweat pants. What a turn off. She helped herself to a cup of coffee, "You guys have any -"
"In the cupboard to the left there," I said before she could ask where sugar and creamer were.
I waited for her to sit down with the two of us, "So, ladies, two of you in one day, that's really something. I take it your friends and family are either gone or too difficult to reach. So. We will take care of you two for the time being. I don't know how much longer we can or should continue living like this. There will come a time when we have to leave, let's hope it's not because we've run out of supplies. Questions?"
Ashley spoke first, "Can we have guns?"
"If we had any more, yes, but as of now, we'll show you how to use them, but you don't get to carry any. Oh, and any sexism aside, you'll both have to cook and clean."
Miranda smiled at this, I'd have to keep my eye on her. On both of them. "Let's go up to the roof, meet the other boys," I said, leading up.
"Miranda this is Jared. Ashley, you've met Jared," I joked, making her blush a little, "and this is Charles, ladies. We're all gentlemen, at least so far, and we run a tight ship." 
We went back down to find Alex awake downstairs. After introductions with him, Alex showed them the pantry and all that business. I told him to get the fuck upstairs to relieve Charles on the roof.





We used to smoke pot before the zombies came around. All we had now were booze and cigarettes. We wouldn't fight over pussy, we were too close for bullshit like that. The five of us were like brothers. We'd die for each other. Well except for one. There's always one asshole in a zombie fighting group. His name was Alex, he was Italian. He was overweight, and right there, if someone wasn't quite fit enough, he was seen as weaker, unable to fulfill duties to a certain standard. We gave him shit regularly, but never in an offensive manner. He wasn't such a cocksucker that he was unbearable, after all no one really paid attention to his opinions.